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Orlando Sentinel, September 4, 1988

We're back from Disney and, please, if we say we are going out there in August again, put us in a straitjacket for our own good.

We pledge not to go again in August or in any other month with a U or a T in it.

How do the tourists do it?

Is the secret in those ugly clothes they wear? Do those clothes somehow beat the heat? (Unfortunately, we do not have ugly clothes.)

On our day in the Magic Kingdom, it was muggy, it rained, there were lines and the bad clothes offended our eyes.

Somehow, though, we had a decent time some of the time.

What we noticed is that the parts we enjoyed most were things that had been in the park a long time: Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Hall of Presidents. That new Mickey's Birthdayland section is really boring. We know it wasn't just us because our nephews, even the younger ones, kept saying, ''Do we have to stay here?''

Of course, their favorite thing was the Grand Prix Raceway (go-karts, in short). They didn't seem particularly impressed with the Disney fireworks, which we loved. (We managed to keep them away from It's a Small World so we wouldn't have to hear that wretched song.)

Other things we noticed:

-- When we were on the choo-choo that goes around the park, there were places where grass recently had been mowed, and the clumps of dry grass were left lying around. We don't remember seeing such untidiness before.

-- At the place where we ate dinner, there were five cashier stations, but only two were open, resulting in long, slow lines.

-- It's not very, very obvious, but parts of the Magic Kingdom have become sort of old-looking. Of course, the place is almost 17.

Another thing we did during our time off: saw movies.

The best was Tucker: The Man and His Dream. We were going to trade in our foreign car for an American car until we saw this movie about Preston Tucker and how auto companies and public officials squashed his car company. Yes, we know it's not the workers' fault and it all happened in the '40s. But somebody has to keep sending lots of messages to bureaucrats, jerks and greed merchants. So it might as well be us. We're going to buy another foreign car.

The funniest movie we saw was A Fish Called Wanda, featuring hilarious performances by Kevin Kline, John Cleese and Michael Palin. (John Cleese could get on the TV and announce that the world was really, seriously, ending, and we would think it was the funniest thing we'd ever heard.)

The best movie we saw with scenes that were shot in Florida was Married to the Mob, which featured two performances that should get Oscar nominations, Mercedes Ruehl as the stormtrooper wife of the head of the mob and Dean Stockwell as the head of the mob. (Stockwell also had a superb scene in Tucker, playing Howard Hughes.)

Stockwell is an actor we've always liked although we had lost track of him for a while. We remember him as a kid star in such late '40s-early '50s films as Kim, The Boy With Green Hair and Gentleman's Agreement. Then we don't remember. Then we remember him again about a decade later in fine films such as Sons and Lovers, Compulsion and Long Day's Journey Into Night. Then we don't remember. Now, we remember him all over again since Blue Velvet a few years back.

These days, he sort of has the look of Jack Nicholson about him. Stockwell, now 52, was once married to Millie Perkins (who played the title role in The Diary of Anne Frank) and has a younger brother, Guy, who also is an actor.

Stockwell says he is into his ''third career.'' We hope it lasts a long time.

Did you see whom the editors of Playgirl picked as the 10 sexiest men in rock 'n' roll? Okay, we'll tell you.

Terence Trent D'Arby, Bryan Ferry, Michael Hutchence of INXS, L.L. Cool J, Richard Marx, John Cougar Mellencamp, George Michael, Bret Michaels of Poison, Larry Mullen Jr. of U2 and Robert Plant. (Note that the Boss isn't on the list, nor is Sting. Maybe they didn't consider Sting rock 'n' roll any more. And what about all those other pretty guys in metal bands, like Jon Bon Jovi and Eddie Van Halen?)

And who would we pick as the sexiest women in rock 'n' roll? Why doesn't somebody get on that? We wouldn't pick chubby Stevie Nicks because her nose is weird. We still say Annie Lennox is the sexiest woman in rock 'n' roll.

Referring to Gloria Estefan's change in appearance (all that leather) and performance, a critic recently called her ''Gloria Frankenstein.''

Woody Allen has another movie coming out next month, we hear, but, as usual, there's no title. It's a drama and stars Gena Rowlands, Sandy Dennis, Ian Holm, Gene Hackman and Betty Buckley.

And what if the wife of Bruce Willis married the director of Married to the Mob? She'd be Demi Demme. You don't get it? Well, Jonathan Demme (who was raised in Florida, by the way) pronounces his name in two syllables.

And don't you think that yuppy guy on the Republican ticket, J. Danforth Quayle (gag us, absolutely gag us, over that name), looks more like Pat Sajak than Robert Redford? And Mrs. Quayle looks like Mary Tyler Moore. What a couple.

Speaking of elections, here's how many more days there are left in the current administration: 138.

Is the Emmy show over yet? It is? Actually, it seemed shorter this year, and some of the winners even seemed deserving. What we liked best, though, were the opening and closing segments. The show opened with Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks doing their Sweeney Sisters thing from Saturday Night Live (singing TV themes and mingling with the audience a la a bad nightclub act). That was amusing. The show ended with shots of people who have never won Emmys (Bob New-hart, George Burns, etc). Along the way, it was nice to see such oldies as Gale Gordon and Peter Falk and to see Penn & Teller's weird magic business.

One thing we might suggest: Don't present the best-show categories on the air because the people who accept, the producers, are really boring. Let us see actors. Who cares about the behind-the-scenes people? Let them stay there.

We have never seen thirtysomething, the show that won for best drama. We are inclined to dislike it, sight unseen, because the clips shown on the Emmy show featured a guy wearing suspenders. And we swear one of the thirtysomething stars is Bjorn Borg. We had been wondering what ever happened to him.

The No. 1 song 50 years ago: ''A-Tisket, A-Tasket.'' The No. 1 song 40 years ago: ''A Tree in the Meadow.'' The No. 1 song 30 years ago: ''Volare (Nel Blu Dipinto di Blu)'' by Domenico Modugno. The No. 1 song 20 years ago: ''People Got to Be Free'' by the Rascals. The No. 1 song 10 years ago: ''Grease'' by Frankie Valli. The No. 1 song today: ''Monkey'' by George Michael.